Het is een tijd stil geweest op mijn blog. Ik had de energie niet om een verhaal te schrijven. De jongste was weer vreselijk in de weer ‘s nachts en overdag slapen is voor mietjes. Op mijn telefoon heb ik DE oei ik groei app en hij zat volgens hun in de laatste sprong. Ook 4 tanden kwamen door en eindelijk waren ze door het tandvlees heen. Maar dan moeten ze nog een heel stuk. Oke, dan weet ik in ieder geval waar het vandaan komt. Ik heb heel erg behoefte aan houvast. Dus ik zei tijdens die lange en vermoeiende dagen maar tegen mezelf: het is een fase, het is een fase. Maar soms duren die fases wel heel erg lang en dan probeer ik het te accepteren zoals het is. En dat gaat mij best goed af.

Ga ik overdag lekker de hort op met hem, spreek ik met vriendinnen af, ga ik langs mijn moeder of zus, ben ik onder de mensen. En als hij dan in de middag of avond even ligt, ga ik lekker op de bank. Netflix aan, beetje rondkijken op fb of insta. Met wat lekkers natuurlijk, want dat heb ik dan wel verdiend vind ik.Het heeft geen zin om in het negatieve te hangen, te blijven zeggen dat het zo zwaar is, dat ik zo moe ben, enz. Het veranderd de situatie niet en het is zo zonde van mijn energie. Makkelijker gezegd dan gedaan, ik weet het. En toch is dat het belangrijkste om te doen. Door mijn 2 depressies ben ik op die manier gaan denken en ben ik mentaal zoveel sterker geworden. Natuurlijk heb ik ook rot dagen ertussen en als er dan een moment komt dat ik denk, ik kan eigenlijk niet meer, is het ineens weer voorbij.

Wat mij ook helpt, is weten dat het bij anderen ook niet altijd soepel gaat. Zo sprak ik een aantal moeders op het plein die beiden met slaapproblemen zaten. De een 2,5 jaar lang en de ander zelfs 4 jaar! 4 jaar! Wat ‘fijn’ om dit te horen. Het gras is niet groener aan de overkant. Ik hoop dat deze moeders zo open en eerlijk blijven. Want op deze manier helpen we elkaar. Het geeft mij een soort van rust en bevestiging dat het niet aan mij ligt of dat ik iets over het hoofd zie. Op insta zie ik ook steeds meer vrouwen die hun verhaal doen. En ze benoemen heel goed dat het moederschap niet alleen maar mooi is, maar ook zwaar. Juist die momenten verdienen ook een plekje op social media. Want dat is de werkelijkheid. Zoals het is. Dat hoeft niet beter of mooier gemaakt te worden. Daardoor ben je geen slechtere moeder. Wat een mooie ontwikkeling.

Nu het een tijd mentaal weer lekker gaat, wil ik mij ook lichamelijk weer sterker voelen. Want in de afgelopen 1,5 jaar zijn er heel veel momenten geweest waarin ik mezelf verwend heb met allerlei lekkers. Zelfs in de nachten, als ik dan voor de zoveelste keer eruit moest, legde ik bijvoorbeeld een handje snoepjes naast mijn bed of een stuk chocolade. Ja echt! Ik deed ook weleens een klusje als de was vouwen, want ja ik was toch wakker dus dan maar iets nuttigs doen.Al dat gevreet is niet goed geweest voor mijn lijf en ik wil me weer lekker voelen. Gezond eten en vooral sporten. Dus ik heb gister vanavond mijn hardloopschoenen weer aangedaan en ben gaan rennen. Op zaterdagavond, in de regen. Ben best een beetje trots! Heerlijk was het zeg. Dat had ik veel eerder moeten doen. Herkenbaar? Tijdens het lopen gaat er van alles door mijn hoofd en als ik terug ben, ben ik het kwijt. Lekker mijn hoofd leeg gemaakt. Als je depressief bent, is dat een goed medicijn. Welke vorm van beweging dan ook. Vraag iemand die met je meegaat. Misschien zijn er mensen die jou meeslepen om te bewegen. Nog beter. Het doet een mens goed.

Wat mijn kaarten betreft…….ook dat lag weer even stil.Maar als ik iets doe, doe ik het goed. Dus ik beloof bij deze: it’s coming soon!

Liefs Mariella 

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