Het krijgen van een kindje zet je wereld op zn kop. Vantevoren word er tegen je gezegd: ‘ geniet nog maar even met zn tweeen, want als de kleine er is veranderd je leven drastisch’. Dat zal wel meevallen dacht ik. Wij hebben al een heerlijk leven en dat zal alleen maar verrijkt worden met een baby’tje.

Het is prachtig, een wonder als je mag bevallen van je kindje. De een gaat er heel makkelijk mee om en zit daarna echt op een roze of blauwe wolk. Maar voor de ander is die verandering zwaar en veranderd je leven idd drastisch. Loodzwaar. Zo ook voor mij.Ik merkte dat aan de volgende dingen:

Elke ochtend als ik wakker werd was ik stikzenuwachtig. Allerlei gedachten gingen er door mijn hoofd: wat als hij de hele dag blijft huilen en ik krijg hem niet stil ? Wat als hij niet wil slapen? Wat als….en zo kan ik nog wel even doorgaan. Ik zag enorm tegen de dag op en ik wilde op een gegeven moment niet dat mijn partner ging werken zodat ik alleen achterbleef. Grote paniek voelde ik als hij weg wilde gaan, tot aan huilens toe. Sem had ook erg last van eczeem en zat van top tot teen onder. Mega onzeker werd ik, want waar kwam het door? Had ik iets gegeven waar hij niet tegen kon? En hoe kom ik daar dan achter? Ook was het toen een warme zomer. Wat moet hij aan? Hoe lang mag hij dan naar buiten? Moet ik extra water bij de flessen doen of juist apart geven? Over alles dacht ik na, ik wilde sem zo goed mogelijk verzorgen. De perfecte moeder zijn.

Dit alles zorgde ervoor dat ik alleen maar onzekerder werd en de leuke dingen niet meer zag. Hij reageerde sterk op mijn gevoelens waardoor hij bij mij meer huilde en ik vond dat hij hierdoor een moeilijke baby was. Op een gegeven moment voelde ik niet veel meer voor Sem en was het een grote opgave om voor hem te zorgen. Ik wilde het liefst weg. Weg van de situatie, weg uit het huis waar ik alle dagen in doorbracht. ‘Neem mij maar op, ik wil niet meer en ik kan niet meer’. Ik weet het nog zo goed. Maar gelukkig wist mijn partner en naaste familie mij te overtuigen dat dat niet de oplossing was. Het zou mij tijdelijk misschien even rust geven. Alleen is de situatie zoals die is en het leven met een kindje een feit. Ontvluchten heeft geen zin. Er zou elke dag iemand bij mij zijn om de zorg over te nemen. Er kwam een schema en dat gaf mij rust.

Herkent iemand zich in de kenmerken die ik schets?

Hoeveel van jullie hebben nou echt daadwerkelijk op een blauwe/roze wolk gezeten?

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