Het zal toch niet weer een depressie zijn?
Na de geboorte van Mees zat ik eindelijk op die blauwe wolk. Wat ik al eerder schreef hadden we een geweldige kraamverzorgster. Ze wist Sem zijn vertrouwen te winnen en ze hadden samen veel plezier, zorgde ervoor dat ik genoeg rust kreeg en hield het huishouden draaiende. Met veel vertrouwen namen we afscheid van haar na een week.Ik had er erg veel zin in en genoot van de kleine. Maar na week 3 veranderde Mees in een huilbaby. Hij had enorm veel last van krampen en dit zorgde ervoor dat hij continue wakker werd. Ook spuugde hij veel en kwam de melk weer terug omhoog wat hij vervolgens weer doorslikte. Dat deed hem zeer en dan was het weer krijsen. We dachten dat het even die beginfase zou zijn, want iedere baby heeft nu eenmaal last van krampen. Ook het spugen konden we verklaren. Het maagje moest wennen aan de voeding.

Het was pittig de hele dag met hem bezig te zijn en ook aandacht geven aan Sem. Die moest natuurlijk ook erg wennen aan de situatie en vroeg negatieve aandacht. Allemaal een kwestie van tijd….. Ik vertelde  aan iedereen die het vroeg dat het pittig was en dat Mees veel huilde. Maar dat ik zeker geen depressie had. Die laatste zin schreeuwde ik het hardst. Want hallo, dat zou me toch niet nog een keer overkomen.

Het leek mij wel wat om hem te gaan dragen zodat ik mijn handen vrij had. Ik kreeg Amber op bezoek van draagconsulent strikjebaby en was verkocht. Wat was het heerlijk om hem dicht bij me te dragen EN hij werd rustig bij mij.Het was wel even oefenen met knopen maar ze had allerlei ezelsbruggetjes om het te onthouden. Eentje vergeet ik nooit meer…..spaghetti in de pot. Hoe verzin je het! Te grappig! Toch wilde ik over op een draagzak, want ik kreeg hem niet altijd goed geknoopt. Ze kwam weer langs, in haar eigen tijd nota bene, en ik mocht haar tula free to grow draagzak proberen. Die zat meteen goed en ik mocht hem lenen zolang het nodig was. Zo lief!!!!! En ik kende haar niet eens goed en toch stond ze voor mij klaar. Ik ben haar nog eeuwig dankbaar. Twijfel je over dragen? Vraag een consult aan bij Amber, echt! Het is het meer dan waard.

Mees bleef helaas veel huilen en sliep slecht. Ik voelde me zo enorm schuldig naar Sem en Aad toe dat ik alleen maar bezig was met Mees. En vanaf dat moment gingen we op zoek naar oplossingen voor het overmatige huilen en slechte slapen. Andere voeding, medicijnen tegen vermoedelijk reflux, manueel therapeut, osteopaat en tot slot ook de kinderarts ingeschakeld. We begonnen met 1 ding en werkte dat niet, gingen we iets anders proberen. Maar het sloopte mij vrij snel. Als je je baby niet kan troosten terwijl je ziet dat hij pijn heeft….. dat is echt hartverscheurend. En dat schuldgevoel naar Sem toe werd steeds erger.  Ik wilde er ook zo graag voor hem zijn, maar dat lukte mij niet. In mijn ogen moest hij dan WEER alleen spelen. Ik legde het steeds maar weer uit: ‘ mama is veel met Mees bezig omdat hij zo huilt. Het gaat goedkomen hoor’. Aad zei steeds het komt wel goed, maak je maar geen zorgen om mij. Jij kan er ook niks aan doen. Ik heb gejankt in zijn armen. Is toch geweldig als je man zo reageert ? Ik was heel bang voor zijn reactie, want ja…..daar gingen we weer.

Toen ben ik de dokter gaan bellen en heb ik gevraagd om verhoging van mijn medicijnen. Ook ging ik op zoek naar hulp voor mezelf, want ik wist…..dit ga ik niet alleen trekken. Loes Maurits die ik kende van de GGZ, was een eigen praktijk begonnen: praktijkmoeders. Zij is een ontzettend lieve vrouw die heel goed kan luisteren. Vrij snel meldde ik mij aan bij haar en had ik regelmatig gesprekken. Over de inhoud zal ik een volgende keer bloggen. Het toegeven van de depressie was moeilijk. Ik had mij toch goed voorbereid? Waar is het dan mis gegaan? Waarom was Mees zo’n huilbaby en werd mij niet de onbezorgde tijd gegund? Heb ik gewoon weer gefaald. En wat zullen andere wel niet denken. Ja hoor, die Mariella kan het weer niet aan. Achteraf idioot dat ik mij druk maakte om wat andere ervan zouden vinden. Maar ik was al onzeker door Mees en die hormonen maakte het er ook niet makkelijker op.

Toen we overgingen op koemelkvrij voeding, neocate, merkten we eindelijk verschil. Sem had als baby ook een allergie, koemelk was niet helemaal zeker, maar hij was wel allergisch voor ei en pinda. Ook de dochter van mijn zus had een koemelkallergie. Eerst begin je met hypoallergene voeding, daarna kan je Pepti proberen, nutramigen en dan heb je de neocate. Maar ik was bijna zeker van mijn zaak dat ook Mees een koemelkallergie zou hebben dus ik wilde na de pepti direct neocate.1 pot was gewoon rond de 60 euro en daar deden we dan 3 dagen mee. Bizar gewoon. Ik EISTE een afspraak bij de kinderarts om het vergoed te kunnen krijgen. Anders waren we nog wel langer bezig geweest en ik wilde dat Mees niet aandoen. Het lukte en we zagen een vrolijker kindje.Tegenwoordig moet je echt op je kop gaan staan en aangeven dat je het echt niet meer ziet zitten met je kindje, wil je een verwijzing krijgen of serieus genomen worden. Ik snap ook wel dat je niet iedereen maar hup naar de kinderarts kan sturen of heel snel maar medicijnen voorschrijven. Maar ik voelde en ervaarde aan alles dat het met Mees niet goed zat. Dus ik heb aangegeven dat ik het niet meer trok en ben door mijn verleden direct serieus genomen door mijn huisarts. We konden zelfs kiezen voor een opname in het ziekenhuis waar ze Mees dan zouden observeren om te kijken wat de oorzaak nou was van het vele huilen. Ik heb op het punt gestaan, want ik wist het gewoon niet meer. Totdat de nieuwe voeding en medicijnen voor de reflux gingen aanslaan. Ook de osteopaat deed zijn werk en Mees werd relaxter. Maar het slapen bleef lastig en ik voelde dat er nog iets zat wat hem in de weg stond………

Volgende week zal ik hier een vervolg op schrijven.

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