Als ik terugkijk op mijn depressies kan ik zeggen dat ik er sterker uit ben gekomen. Mensen die mij (goed) kennen zeggen bijvoorbeeld dat ik meer mijn mond open trek als ik een andere mening heb.Ik heb meer SCHIJT aan wat anderen van mij vinden. Mag je mij niet, dan niet. Ik hoef niet door iedereen aardig gevonden te worden.  Dat was vroeger wel anders. Ik hecht nu veel meer waarde aan de ‘echte’ vriendschappen die ik heb.En mijn familie is belangrijk.

Ook geniet ik veel bewuster van het leven. Waar ik vroeger altijd weken vooruit kon kijken en plannen, probeer ik nu per dag te leven. Tuurlijk heb ik ook afspraken staan die later in de maand pas gebeuren. Maar ik denk daar pas aan als het zover is. Dat was eerder wel anders. Dan maakte ik mij bij wijze van al weken van tevoren druk om iets wat nog lang niet kwam. Zo zonde van die negatieve energie. En ik geef mijn geld makkelijker uit. Een lekker broodje halen tijdens mijn pauze van werk, kopje thee met wat lekkers erbij als ik een rondje centrum doe, kleding voor mijn kids, enz. Lekker genieten. Als het op is, is het op. Ik ga niet door tot ik in het rood sta.
De depressie na de geboorte van Sem heb ik een plekje kunnen geven. Maar de grijze periode van een jaar geleden nog niet helemaal. Ik ben al heel ver en ik weet zeker dat het mij deze keer ook gaat lukken. Het is nog maar een klein stukje. En dat kleine stukje heeft te maken met het volgende……

Toen Mees geboren werd en de ellende begon draaide alles om mij en de baby. Aad (partner) en Sem hebben veel moeten slikken. Totdat zelfs mijn nuchtere man het even niet meer zag zitten. En daar schrok ik echt enorm van. Want hoe moet het verder als ik geen back up meer heb? Op dat moment was IK er voor hem en gaf hem de rust en tijd waar dat kon. Ik legde mijn focus vooral op Mees, want dat vond hij het moeilijkst. Dat gehuil, keer op keer en hem niet stil kunnen krijgen. Ik vond het doodeng, want ik was zelf nog herstellende. Maar ik moest dit gewoon doen. Uit liefde. En toen heb ik de knop omgezet. Het heeft mij geholpen in het herstel en het heeft mij sterker gemaakt. De weg er naar toe duurde alleen wat langer en was soms zwaarder. Het schuldgevoel naar mijn partner zal blijven.

Eveneens als naar mijn oudste zoon, Sem. Hoe vaak ik hem niet op de IPad heb gezet, hoe vaak ik niet naar hem snauwde omdat ik op was, hoe vaak ik hem niet beneden liet zitten terwijl ik met Mees bezig was, etc. Een vreselijk gevoel, maar op dat moment kon ik niet anders. Ik ben altijd eerlijk geweest tegen Sem. Ik probeerde hem altijd uit te leggen waarom ik bepaalde dingen deed. En als ik verdrietig was, dan zei ik gewoon dat ik het heel moeilijk vond om zoveel met Mees bezig te zijn en niet met hem even lekker kon spelen. Maar een reactie op dit alles kon niet uitblijven en hij kreeg een lange periode met slecht slapen en opstandigheid. Logisch, hij moest dit ook verwerken. Een vaste routine voor het slapen gaan, duidelijke regels en quality time met Sem alleen heeft er voor gezorgd dat het nu veel beter gaat.

Tot slot moet ik nog stoppen met roken. Niet iedereen weet hiervan. Want het is niet iets waar ik trots op ben. En ik doe het ook vaak alleen als ik thuis ben, de kindjes op bed liggen, als Aad thuis is en ik even buiten kan staan. Die momentjes op de dag dat ik even kan ontspannen moet ik anders gaan invullen. Dat is lastig als je dat al lang doet. Het is een verslaving en gewoonte geworden. Maar als ik de periode echt goed wil afsluiten moet ik ermee stoppen. Want het herinnert mij er continue aan.
Dus al met al gaat het goed en ben ik al een tijd stabiel. Nu alleen nog de puntjes op de i.

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